Life Coaching 101: 3 Steps to Moving Forward and Getting Where You Really Want to Go

As a Life Coach, I help people get where they want to go and do what they’ve always dreamed of doing.

Over and over again I’ve seen people achieve tremendous goals and create enormous change—the kind of progress that tends to make other people say, “Oh, I could never do that!”

My clients leave the jobs they hate and create satisfying new career paths. They lose the weight they are tired of battling. They make significant emotional or geographic moves. They move forward.

And then my clients tell me how they encounter people who look at them with awe and say, “Oh, I could never do that.” My clients just smile--because they know the secret (and I’m not talking about the law of attraction). The secret I’m talking about is this: In order to achieve great things, you don’t have to know exactly how you are going to get there in order to get started. In fact, getting hung up on the specifics can freeze up your progress before you ever even get underway.

“Reasonableness” is not the first step. My advice—banish your practical or skeptical thoughts until you’ve asked yourself the following four powerful questions:

1.What do you really want?

Remember, this is not the time for practicality or thought censorship. Think big. Be specific. DO NOT edit down your goal to something that seems “attainable.” If what you want is a house on the Mexican Riviera, don’t write down a week in a time share. Let your imagination and your dreams soar. Make a list.

Now pick the most enticing item on your list and ask yourself:

2.What would it take to get where you want to go?

Don’t worry about how you would do these things; just list all the steps you think would be involved. Break the steps down as much as you can. Circle the steps you would need help with or would need additional information or support to complete. If the steps seem overwhelming, break them down into smaller steps.

3.Who could help you?

Again, don’t let “reason” be your guide. You can have Oprah on your list right next to your best friend. Write down every resource you can think of and then brainstorm who could help you connect with that person or someone else like them. Don’t just think about the people you know, think about the step that you would need help with. Ask yourself,”Where would someone go to get help with X?”

4.Looking at your answers, what is the first do-able step you could take in the next week that would get you moving in the direction you want to go?

Hint: the first step is usually smaller than you think it “should” be but it will often end up being far more powerful than you anticipated—as long as you commit to taking another step once you’ve completed it. Your first step might be making a phone call, doing some research, making a connection with someone, or even making another list.

With these four steps, you’ve gotten the ball rolling. Now your job is to keep it in play. Keep moving forward, identifying the next do-able step and taking action. When you hit a stuck spot (you will—we all do), that’s your cue to break the step down further and/or go back to question 3.

Your Challenge: Ask the questions and take the steps. Let me know what you’re working on. I’d love to feature your stories in a future article.

Take Good Care,

Melissa

The Power of Small Steps

The demands of life are many. Believe me, I feel it too. It’s easy to get swept up by responsibilities and life expectations and distracted from our goals, our dreams and our aspirations.

And sometimes, when we see where we want to go—so far off in the distance—the distance to cover can seem overwhelming. Sometimes it seems too far away to even contemplate starting the journey.

The problem is, if you don’t start, you won’t get there.

Here’s the truth. The distance from where you are now to where you want to go is rarely as far away or out of reach as you think, AND the path you lay out at the beginning isn’t always the path you’ll end up taking, AND good things often happen along the journey to break up your trip, spice up your life, and make the trip a reward in itself.

Momentum begins when you take the first step. Any step. And it continues when you pick up your other foot and put it in front of the one you just moved. As you get moving, you DO figure it out—and the momentum you create by being in action will propel you further forward.

My challenge to you: What small concrete step can you take today that will get you closer to where you want to go?

Take good care,

Melissa

Emotional Eating Problem Solving: Top Ten Reasons for Getting Stuck

A few weeks ago I was sorting through school work and papers that came home in my fifth graders backpack at the end of the school year and had been left in a pile. In his math folder I found this great handout: "Problem-solving Top-ten List." It's intended to help students who are stuck on a math problem, but I found it to be great life advice and very applicable to eating and weight loss battles. What do you think?

Top Ten Reasons For Getting Stuck in the First Place:

1. You tried to rush through the problem without thinking.

We are often great at rushing into new weight loss programs and diets hoping each one will be the magic answer. Clients often tell me how they've picked programs in the past that weren't compatible with their tastes or their schedules or their preferences and that they probably knew from the beginning they wouldn't want to continue with long term.

2. You didn't read the problem carefully.

We don't just run into this difficulty with math problems. In many life situations, if we don't clearly understand the problem, we might choose a problem solving approach that isn't going to meet our needs. In the Emotional Eating Toolbox(TM) 28-Day Program, I encourage users to take the time to understand their unique situation. Taking the time to understand your reasons for overeating and the types of solutions that will work for you is essential to not getting stuck further down the road.

3. You don't know what the problem is asking for.

Again, this doesn't just apply to math problems. If we're working to solve the wrong problem, we aren't going to get anywhere. If you are struggling with emotional eating (stress eating, boredom eating, or eating when you are lonely or upset), no food plan or diet in the world is going to fix that--because it's not about the food--it's about figuring out what to do with the feelings.

4. You don't have enough information.

I often tell me clients that if they feel like they aren't getting anywhere, or if they feel like they are beating their head against the wall, odds are that there is a part of the problem that isn't being addressed. The Emotional Eating Toolbox(TM) spends a significant amount of time showing you how to collect information about yourself, about your hunger, and about your relationship with food so that you can solve the eating problems once and for all.

5. You're looking for an answer that the problem isn't asking for.

If you overeat because you are bored or stressed or anxious or angry (or any other emotion), the problem isn't about food choice. The answer the problem is asking for has to do with finding new or better ways of responding to your emotions, your stress, and your needs. The weight loss industry spends billions of dollars convincing us that if we follow a certain diet we will be beautiful and happy. I meet far to many of my clients because they feel like they haven't been able to be "strict enough" with themselves. They are angry with themselves because they haven't been successful with weight loss plans that stress deprivation and willpower and denial.

The truth is that diets aren't the answer for this problem. Enduring change and enduring weight loss happen when we make changes that work with our lives--not when we try to maintain behaviors that leave us hungry and grumpy and feeling like we are missing out.

6. The strategy you're using doesn't work for this particular problem.

I'll say it again. Diets tell you what to eat. Often, being on a diet will increase the amount of time and energy someone spends focusing on food. Diets don't teach you how to change patterns of emotional eating or overeating when you aren't hungry. They don't teach you how to feed yourself and expand your life in ways that won't leave you feeling deprived. Users of my program are often surprised at first how little time they spend focusing on food. The program doesn't count fat grams or calories or carbs. The program helps you target the reasons you feel hungry and the reasons you eat when you aren't. The program helps you GET OFF the diet rollercoaster and put food in a much smaller place in your life.

7. You aren't applying the strategy correctly.

If you've been dieting for years, it can be hard to move out of the mindset of deprivation and blaming yourself when the diet doesn't work out (even though the diet was probably doomed to fail in the first place--remember--a diet is the wrong strategy). Using the tools in the Emotional Eating Toolbox(TM) takes practice. Often users initially have a hard time looking at their eating patterns and their emotions without feeling the old self-blame, shame and guilt.

One of the biggest benefits that Toolbox users and coaching clients note is being able to stop feeling guilty and bad all the time. That's HUGE.

8. You failed to combine your strategy with another strategy.

If we try to fit ourselves into a strategy or a program instead of finding a strategy that fits and works with our specific individual situation, we're likely to get stuck. Cookie cutter eating plans and programs are problematic because we are all different. For instance, the Toolbox program guides you to your own answers and strategies through the work you do and the answers you provide about yourself.

9. The problem has more than one answer.

There is no one magic cause of weight gain and there is no one magic answer for weight loss. People's paths for taking control of their emotional eating will be different. Once you have the basic set of tools, you will be more successful if you learn to use them in the way that complements your personality, your strengths, your struggles, and your life.

10.The problem can't be solved.

Emotions and tough times are real. We might not like them but we can't just wish them away. Trying to ignore or bury emotions doesn't work well in the long term either. The truth is that there is no diet or food plan that is going to help us cope with tough emotions. If we forget about the emotional part of our eating and simply focus on the food, we're going to get stuck and we're likely to fail. And then we are likely to blame ourselves--which isn't helpful either.

There ARE powerful tools that can help anybody get through the emotions and situations that they struggle with. When we learn them and practice using them it's easier to put food in it's place, make choices that feel good about eating, and put more energy into creating the lives we really want to be living.

Take good care,

Melissa

Do you eat because you are anxious, unhappy, stressed or lonely?

You might want to consider blogging. A new, soon to be released study concludes that people who blog feel less isolated and more satisfied with their friendships. The study tracked Myspace users who also blogged and found that after two months of social networking and blogging, participants reported feeling less anxious, depressed and stressed and bloggers in particular felt better about their current social support and friendships than nonbloggers.

The authors concluded that blogging can be a powerful promoter of creative, intuitive and critical and analytical thinking.

Contrary to stereotypes of bloggers as geeks isolated in their private internet world, blogging has the potential to create community, connection and support. For many who are struggling or are shy or not feeling so great about themselves at that particular moment, reaching out online or expressing one's self in a blog post can feel both more accessible and perhaps even emotionally safer. Apparently, it might also leave you feeling better.

What do you think?

Melissa

Are you on Facebook?

Are you on Facebook? If so, come visit. You can now access Peace With Cake directly on our Facebook page (you don't even have to be a registered user to use this link). Come visit when you have a chance and consider becoming a "Fan" (just click the link on the right side of the Facebook page) or send me a Friend Request.

Take good care,

Melissa

Is perfectionism sabotaging your weight loss?

Is perfectionism sabotaging your weight loss or your relationship with food? It might be. Trying to get it "perfect" can actually make emotional eating much worse.

Do you wake up in the morning thinking “today is a fresh start (with food)?”

Does your newest approach to eating inevitably fall apart because you’ve “blown it” and feel your efforts were ruined?

If you deviate from your plan for your eating, do you react by overeating even more?

Do you have expectations for “ideal eating” that are so unrealistic or rigid that you could never imagine sticking with them for a lifetime? Or—do you begin to feel deprived just thinking about how you “should” eat?

If you answer “yes” to these questions, chances are your inner perfectionist is having a field day sabotaging your relationship with food.

The truth is, nobody gets it “perfect” (whatever THAT is). An all-or-nothing approach will sink weight loss efforts fast. On top of that, not only are we destined to fail if we expect perfection, but our inner perfectionist usually contributes a double whammy by heaping on the guilt and self-blame when we DON’T get it perfect. For many of us, that alone can be a recipe for emotional eating.

Question for the day: Do you have an inner perfectionist and if so, how is she or he getting you into trouble or making life harder? What tools do you have to take back the reins and put the perfectionist--and food--in it's place?

Take good care,

Melissa

Creating Enduring Change With Emotional Eating: Maintaining

The most consistently neglected part of the weight loss process is the phase of “maintenance.” Without solidifying our ability to maintain, our chances of creating lasting change in our relationship with food or enduring weight loss are slim. Change is not a one shot deal.

Just as quitting smoking involves a lot more than throwing your cigarettes in the trash, conquering emotional eating is something we do over and over again, in big and little ways, as we build new patterns and tools for coping and new ways of being in our worlds.

Many of my clients come to me after significant periods in their lives when they’ve walked on the road they want to be on. They’ve taken charge of their relationship with food. They’ve found the groove of eating the way they wanted to eat. They’ve lost the weight and felt the excitement and the satisfaction.

And then something happened.

Their focus on food and eating increased. The activity level decreased. The cravings changed. The weight came back. And now they are feeling defeated and tired and they have a bit (or a lot) less hope then they did before. They're usually feeling pretty guilty and mad at themselves which makes things even harder.

Change is not a one shot deal.

You probably know how it works. You’ve made a successful change. You feel proud. You feel like celebrating. Or you decide you really don’t need to be quite so disciplined anymore. You start to slack off or you loosen the reins a bit. Is this a bad thing? Haven’t you earned it? How do you know?

Maintenance is not something that happens automatically—AND maintenance is the stage where all the hard work can pay off, or can start to unravel. Most of my clients are very clear that they know HOW to make changes. They know how to lose weight (if that’s their goal). What they struggle with is keeping it off. What they don’t want to do is lose the weight and then have to lose it AGAIN.

Working at maintenance isn't as dramatic or visibly rewarding as starting something new. Because "maintaining" is the goal, you aren't seeing the motivating external changes or smaller numbers on the scale. Your clothes fit the same way everyday. But putting a firm foundation for long term maintenance in place is crucial. Sometimes this is the phase where extra support and accountability can pay off big.

My advice to you: don't hesitate to get the support you need to establish a solid foundation of maintenance. You've worked too hard to create the changes you've begun to put into place. What do you need to do to make sure that you don't short change yourself?

Take good care,

Melissa