Stressed Monkeys Overeat

So what's the significance of this story? Well, I hope it helps some who tend to get so angry with themselves when they succumb to eating under stress. No, I don't believe this study means that we can't take charge of overeating, but I think it does show that emotional eating is complex and that our appetites are driven by a number of different issues and realities. The desire to eat to cope with emotions and stress is something that should be approached with respect. Ignoring the cravings or the urges doesn't necessarily get us where we want to go.

I think the story supports the importance of having tools to cope with stress, to bolster our self-care and to help us feel empowered--tools that we can strive to use instead of overeating or stress eating. What do you think?

Take good care,

Melissa

The Good Life

What if I told you there was a simple, five minute ritual that research has shown can actually increases someone's level of happiness and reduce symptoms of depression? What if I told you that either the ritual or the results (or both) were so compelling that six months after researchers first introduced the technique to their subjects, they were astounded to find that many of them were still using it even though the study had ended after the first week. Would you be interested?

We spend so much time thinking about problems and how to solve them. Some of our brain seems to be wired to focus on the things that don't work and that we want repaired. The truth is, there are some delightful, easy things we can do to enrich our lives and they don't have to take a lot of money or time. The good life doesn't require private jets and a lot of time. The good life comes from aiming consistently for "a better life." I'm talking about the small things we can do to keep the good feelings, the good relationships, or to make things even a bit brighter or nicer. It's like making sure we are applying fertilizer regularly and also making sure the set-up of our life allows us to notice and savor the parts of it we truly love.

What am I talking about? Well it's different for everyone, but here are some ideas: recently, I wrote about the power of music to transform your mood, your activity, and to help feed your spirit. Sometimes taking the time to put on a CD or grab your mp3 player is all you need to make whatever you are doing one notch better. One of my favorite inventions in the world is my coffee maker with a timer on it. Even better is that my incredible husband gets things ready every evening so in the morning when I stumble downstairs, I am greeted by the smell of a great pot of coffee. For me, it makes starting every day perfect, no matter what happens after that.

I have a friend who makes sure she always has cut flowers from her yard on her desk. It truly adds to the quality of her day. Someone else cherishes her morning and evening walks alone with her dog. They help reset her brain and her mood for the next part of her day. In our family, a face-to-face start and end of the day are important. I cherish saying good morning to everyone and wishing them a good night's sleep at the end of the day. If someone isn't home for the night, I find I really really miss that ritual.

Another idea suggested to me was to set aside five minutes every day to send a brief email or make a phone call to a friend you haven't talked to lately. Just to connect and say you were thinking about them or to deliver a compliment.

Think about it. What are the routines and rituals that you already have in place that make your life good? What rituals (remember, I'm talking short and sweet) could you add that would make your good life one notch better? This isn't a rhetorical question. Share your good life routines by adding a comment below. We can all learn from each other.

If you are you curious about the study I mentioned at the beginning, you can read the details here. In the study, participants were asked to take the time each evening to write down three good things that happened each day and their causes. After one week, researchers found that subjects who had kept track of the three good things reported higher levels of happiness and fewer symptoms of depression. While they were not surprised, they were delighted to find that when they retested these subjects three months and then six months after the study ended, these subjects STILL reported increased happiness and decreased symptoms of depression. It turns out that the research subjects had found the ritual so satisfying that they had continued it on their own! You might want to consider the Three Good Things exercise as another routine that can make your good life better.

If you are looking for more ways to add good stuff to your life, check out my complimentary Self-care Package. You can subscribe in the upper right corner of this blog and when you do, you will receive five weekly audio lessons (short!) that you can listen to on your computer.

Take good care,

Melissa

Are You Dreaming Big Enough?

Often, emotional eating happens when people are trying to fill unaddressed gaps in the rest of their lives. Emotional eaters tend to be some of the most giving people on the planet--to everyone but themselves. Taking control of emotional eating also involves taking a close look at the rest of your life. Are you giving yourself what you need? Are you feeding your mind? Your body? Your spirit? I promise it will be much easier to avoid the munchies if you are feeding yourself high quality stuff in these other areas.

Do you dream big? Do you dream at all?

I talk to so many people who have been jolted by the realization that they've been so busy chasing their lives and doing everything that's "expected," that they've stopped moving towards creating what they really truly desire.

So many people have wonderful dreams that are buried just beneath the surface--a book they'd love to write, a business venture they'd like to pursue, a race they'd like to sign up for, or a trip they want to take. If only.

If only they had: more time, more motivation, more get-up-and-go. If only they weren't so busy, or if only they had--more money, more connections, more support. If only they could get organized, or if only they could get some time to think. If only they could figure out the first steps.

Here's what I know:

1. The bigger we allow ourselves to dream, the more we accomplish and the more we start to see what is possible.

2. We don't have to be any more amazing than we already are to do amazing things.

3. We don't have to know exactly how we are going to make our dream come true in order to start pursuing it. But we do need to HAVE the dream. We do need to have to have a clear intention that we're going to do whatever-it-is and we do have to create space in our life for our dreams to emerge.

4. Big dreams usually don't require immediate big steps. Small, steady, consistent steps tend to create the most solid and enduring results.

My coaching challenge for you:

1. You've heard this from me before--set some goals.
It is vitally important to put what we want into words. Set goals that are concrete and goals that you can get excited about--both short term and longer term goals. Think about what you WANT to do, not what you think you SHOULD do. Choose goals that make you smile when you think about achieving them.

2. Ask yourself how and when you can commit time to your dreams.
If you need to create some space, ask yourself what you can give up, say "no" to or delegate. Even if you only have fifteen minutes a day or one Saturday afternoon a month, claim your time. Schedule it for you and write it in your calendar.

3. Ask yourself what you need to get started.
Do you need a boost in motivation or some inspiration? Do you need an actual place to work on your dream? A supporter or a mentor? More information?

Don't expect yourself to solve this problem in one fell swoop. Try to define one small step you could take towards obtaining what you need. Write the step down and set a date by which you'll accomplish that piece.

4. Take Action.
Sharing our goals is one of the most powerful steps you can take. Add a comment and share your dream or your goal and your first concrete step.

Take good care,

Melissa

How NOT to overeat when you are stressed at work

A client just emailed me. She’s using the Emotional Eating Toolbox(TM) program at home and has discovered that she’s using food to cope with her feelings at work when a task seems overwhelming. She asks: “How can I handle the stress (at work)?” Great question.

Finding the right answer for you will depend on a number of things, including your individual preferences and schedule, the constraints of your job, and the nature of the task. However, here are some questions that might be helpful.

Can you identify when you start to feel overwhelmed and when you start thinking about food? Is it before you face the task? Is it procrastination? Is it in the middle of the task? When you do think about food, what are you feeling—confused, distracted, anxious, uncertain, overloaded? Do you eat when the task is done as a reward or as a way to deal with the stress you built up “getting through” the process? The answers to these questions give you valuable information to help you shape an alternative response to eating that will work for you. Knowing these answers will allow you to begin to pinpoint how you could respond to your feelings directly.

If the task seems overwhelming is there anything you could do to make it one degree less overwhelming? Could you break it down into smaller sub-goals? Get more clarity about what is expected? Delegate? Can you get additional support—either support to help you with the project or support for you in other areas so that you have more energy to devote to the project? Can you dive in for ten minutes and see how that feels?

Sometimes we just need to take a break. Can you walk around the block or around your office or even go to the bathroom and look yourself in the eye in the mirror and ask yourself what you need to do next? Can you stretch or get a cup of tea instead of heading to the vending machine?

Sometimes we just have to do the really hard thing. If you take a deep breath and dive in, how will you reward yourself for your courage? What can you do instead of snacking? How can you celebrate your progress as you work through the task? How can you give yourself credit?

These questions are just the tip of the iceberg. The key point is that once we start asking ourselves what we REALLY need and what we are REALLY feeling (and once we acknowledge that it’s not hunger), we start to be able to formulate solutions that are powerful and much more effective than a bag of chips from the vending machine.

Stress, emotional eating, and knowing when to "stop"

Today at my office, on a very busy day, the power went out. Just like that. No warning. The power company had no idea what went wrong or how long it would be before power was restored. And so here I sat. No computer. No phone. No fax or copier. I couldn’t even use the shredder to finish off the pile of trash beside my desk. And I had so much to do.

Eventually, after several false starts (turns out it’s hard to file papers while holding a flashlight), I just stopped. I stopped and I sat in my chair by the window, and eventually I picked up a pile of paperwork I could do by hand and started slowly working on that. What I became very aware of was how soothing it was to slow down--to only be doing and thinking about one thing at a time—and how difficult it really is to slow down when we’re feeling stressed and trying to do too much. I hadn’t really been aware of how many tasks were on my mind and on my mental to-do list until I was literally forced to drastically limit my activity.

Stopping when we are overwhelmed--taking that literal deep breath and just pausing for a moment or two to regroup and to make a conscious decision about what to do next--can make all the difference in the world. And yet, when we are stressed, our brains, our adrenaline levels, our to-do lists, all seem to urge us to keep moving and keep working. Many emotional eaters use food to help them shut out the feelings and help them keep going—through stress, or anxiety, or exhaustion. Sometimes it doesn’t even occur to us to pause or take a break.

Do you recognize this pattern as your own? When in your life could you be more skilled at “stopping?” What are the consequences if you don’t? What one thing could you set into place or post on your refrigerator, or start doing that would help you remember to take a pause and take a breath and make a conscious decision about how to manage your stress. What could you do to help you pause and deliberately consider whether eating because you are stressed is what you really want to do?

Post your comments and ideas below and let me know how they work.

Take good care,

Melissa

Avoiding Holiday Stress (and Emotional Eating): Tip Five

Take Care of Yourself

I know, it's easier said than done. And yet--when you do it--everything else really is easier. Learning to allow ourselves to prioritize our own self care is an extremely hard lesson for lots of us to learn--but it's really an essential first step. I know that many tip sheets for coping with holiday stress trumpet the value of self care, but I've worked hard to create a way to make it a lot more do-able. Here's my end-of-year gift to you: a Self-care Package(tm). The Self-care Package(tm) I've created consists of five quick-and-to-the-point audio lessons. There's absolutely no cost. Just go here and look in the upper right-hand corner of the page. Or you can use the form in the top right-hand corner of this blog. Once a week for five weeks you'll be emailed a link to a very short (about 3 minutes) audio with concrete steps (and assignments) aimed at helping you improve your self-care and get on track for 2008. I designed the weekly package deliveries to be straightforward and absolutely possible to accomplish. Check it out and leave a comment below to let me know what you think.

Take good care,

Melissa

Avoiding Holiday Weight Gain--a resource

Karly Randolph Pitman has written a lovely article about avoiding holiday weight gain and overwhelm. There's an incredible wealth of food for thought here (pun intended), so read deep and enjoy. I especially resonate with Karly's emphasis on how vital it is that we stay connected to ourselves and to our spirit. The words I tend to use are passion and purpose. When we are able to learn to use passion and purpose to fuel our lives, food and over eating become so much less central.

Karly blogs on a range of topics that I think will strike a chord with you if you like what you read here. She had some nice things to say about Peace With Cake and as you can see, the praise is reciprocal.

Take good care,

Melissa

Avoiding Holiday Stress (and Emotional Eating): Tip Four

Say "No" So You Can Say "Yes"

We can only do what we can do. Really. And, if we want to do it well, we should usually only try to do one thing at a time. I've worked with many women who seemed to believe that if they tried hard enough or learned to get it just right, they would find a way to plant more hours in their day and get more done. Not true. Actually, sometimes the mark of a truly competent person is being able to say (with great truthfulness), "This is really all that I can do." Also, as much as our consumer-driven society would like you to believe it, more ISN'T necessarily better. In most situations, a job well done--quality work (as my son's teachers call it)--trumps more work in terms of how we end up feeling about it. Five pounds lost with comfort and forever feels much more satisfying than ten pounds lost in a carb fast that you know will come back as soon as you lose your "willpower" and eat toast again. The perfect gift that hits just the right chord is ten times more valuable than five gifts that the recipient doesn't value.

This season, try doing less.

You may have noticed a theme in these "emotional eating and stress" posts. Move deliberately, at a pace and in a way that works for you. Know where you are going and move in that direction. In order to do those things, we need to know what we are passionate about--what drives us and where we want to go, and we need to know where and how we find our purpose--why we want to go where we are headed. We also need to be mindful of wrong turns and detours and bright shiny objects that might distract us from our path.

It's a great exercise to practice being alert for the detours and wrong turns--the requests and demands that pull on us that we really don't want or need to spend our energy on. Learn to be aware of them, and--I challenge you to practice saying, "No."

Saying "No" to the things you need to--dead weight obligations that drag you down and don't take you anywhere--creates powerful space and energy in your life for the things connected to your passion and your purpose. That is the space where quality comes from and that is the space where you will create the experiences that you will savor this season and the rest of the year.

Here's my challenge for you: Make a list of three things or "obligations" (big or small) that are keeping you from spending your energy in more valuable places. Now, devise a way to either eliminate them (say "No"), or limit the time and energy they take in your life.

Take good care,

Melissa

Avoiding Holiday Stress (and Emotional Eating): Tip Three

Slow down

Being present and centered allows us to make choices that are planned and deliberate. Being present is what allows us to carefully look at the appetizer tray and decide whether we are hungry and what really looks good. When we’re stressed or in a rush, we often skip that step. As if by magic, our hand reaches out, we fill our plate with food, eat it without really tasting, don’t register much about the taste, and don’t assess whether we are still hungry or whether we are full until much later down the line.

This season, I challenge you to practice slowing down and being present. Make a ritual out of taking five minutes every morning. Use the time to notice how you are doing.

1. What are you thinking about? Each day, write down the one-three things that you could do that would relieve the most pressure on your to-do list and set your goal to get those things accomplished.


2. Notice how you are feeling Are you tired? Sluggish? Excited? If you notice something that could be improved with self-care (such as noticing that you aren’t getting enough sleep or activity), make a quick plan to start to remedy the situation. This probably isn’t the time to undertake a major life transformation, but you can set the intention of taking a brisk walk on your lunch hour or getting to bed thirty minutes earlier.

Too often, if we don’t recognize our need for self-care and if we don’t give ourselves permission to slow down, we’ll resort to food and overeating to fill in the gaps or dampen down the stress or comfort us when we’re tired. Being pro-active by allowing yourself some consistent time to slow down and take stock will help you take control of stressful situations and minimize emotional eating.

Take good care,
Melissa

Avoiding Holiday Stress (and Emotional Eating): Tip Two

Savoring and the things you really do have to do

What are the holiday activities and rituals that you enjoy? The ones that revitalize you or give you a peaceful feeling, or that you look forward to each year? Take the time—now—to make a list of your holiday “musts.” Not the “have tos” but the “this is what makes it all worthwhile” experiences.

Now (yes now!) take out your calendar and make sure you have them all prominently scheduled. Don’t just count on them to happen naturally. These “musts” are important. Your holiday joy and energy is going to flow from these experiences and the feelings they generate. Take some time to think about how you can maximize these experiences—how can you savor them fully or increase your ability to focus on them.

Savoring is often the variable that makes the difference between a delightful, soul-warming experience and overindulgence. When we are savoring—whether it is savoring music or good company or your Aunt Mabel’s rum balls—we are nourishing ourselves. When we aren’t tuned in enough to savor, we’re just taking it in. We are much more likely to end up tired, over-stimulated, worn out, and with a sugar hangover.

So what would it take to savor the “musts” on your list even more than you already do? Would it require blocking out more time so you won’t have to rush? Planning something in advance? Delegating? Saying “no” to some other things so you have energy to enjoy the important experience? I challenge you to take the top three experiences you selected and come up with one thing you could do, ask for, or not do that would make the experience even better.

Add a comment and share your list—or the ideas and plans you have to maximize your savoring.

Take good care,

Melissa

Avoiding Holiday Stress (and Emotional Eating): Tip One

This month I'm going to share some of my best ideas for staying in touch with the spirit of the holidays and avoiding the feelings of stress and overwhelm that tend to lead down the road to emotional eating.

Tip One: Noticing

Do you know how powerful it is to really be seen? To have someone look at us and acknowledge our accomplishments, our efforts, our intentions? Close your eyes and imagine someone telling you they see the efforts you make to be the person you want to be.

They might say:
"I see how much courage it took for you to make that presentation to the boss."
or
"It's clear to me how much you value your children."
or
"I notice that you are really trying your hardest to pay off those credit cards."
or
"I notice how hard you work to make the holidays special for everyone."

Most of us DO work very hard at the things that are important to us. Unfortunately, during times of stress or of increased demands, it's easy to get focused on what is "undone" rather than what "is done."

This month, I challenge you to set a goal of "noticing" each of your family members (feel free to try it with colleagues too!) three times a day. It doesn't have to be anything major. Simply acknowledge either their efforts or their intentions.

"I notice that you set the table and I appreciate it."
"I noticed how hard you were working not to let her frustrate you."
"I notice how you always keep your car spotless. It must take a lot of effort."
"I notice that were really frustrated with those Christmas lights but you kept going anyway and now they are up and they look great."
"I notice that in spite of how busy you are, you made my email a priority and it really helped me out."

I think you will be amazed at how far a little noticing goes. When you acknowledge someone, the impact reverberates. It's contagious. It lightens the mood and creates a focus on the positive and on possibility. It absolutely reduces stress.

Take good care,
Melissa