Emotional Eating Problem Solving: Top Ten Reasons for Getting Stuck

A few weeks ago I was sorting through school work and papers that came home in my fifth graders backpack at the end of the school year and had been left in a pile. In his math folder I found this great handout: "Problem-solving Top-ten List." It's intended to help students who are stuck on a math problem, but I found it to be great life advice and very applicable to eating and weight loss battles. What do you think?

Top Ten Reasons For Getting Stuck in the First Place:

1. You tried to rush through the problem without thinking.

We are often great at rushing into new weight loss programs and diets hoping each one will be the magic answer. Clients often tell me how they've picked programs in the past that weren't compatible with their tastes or their schedules or their preferences and that they probably knew from the beginning they wouldn't want to continue with long term.

2. You didn't read the problem carefully.

We don't just run into this difficulty with math problems. In many life situations, if we don't clearly understand the problem, we might choose a problem solving approach that isn't going to meet our needs. In the Emotional Eating Toolbox(TM) 28-Day Program, I encourage users to take the time to understand their unique situation. Taking the time to understand your reasons for overeating and the types of solutions that will work for you is essential to not getting stuck further down the road.

3. You don't know what the problem is asking for.

Again, this doesn't just apply to math problems. If we're working to solve the wrong problem, we aren't going to get anywhere. If you are struggling with emotional eating (stress eating, boredom eating, or eating when you are lonely or upset), no food plan or diet in the world is going to fix that--because it's not about the food--it's about figuring out what to do with the feelings.

4. You don't have enough information.

I often tell me clients that if they feel like they aren't getting anywhere, or if they feel like they are beating their head against the wall, odds are that there is a part of the problem that isn't being addressed. The Emotional Eating Toolbox(TM) spends a significant amount of time showing you how to collect information about yourself, about your hunger, and about your relationship with food so that you can solve the eating problems once and for all.

5. You're looking for an answer that the problem isn't asking for.

If you overeat because you are bored or stressed or anxious or angry (or any other emotion), the problem isn't about food choice. The answer the problem is asking for has to do with finding new or better ways of responding to your emotions, your stress, and your needs. The weight loss industry spends billions of dollars convincing us that if we follow a certain diet we will be beautiful and happy. I meet far to many of my clients because they feel like they haven't been able to be "strict enough" with themselves. They are angry with themselves because they haven't been successful with weight loss plans that stress deprivation and willpower and denial.

The truth is that diets aren't the answer for this problem. Enduring change and enduring weight loss happen when we make changes that work with our lives--not when we try to maintain behaviors that leave us hungry and grumpy and feeling like we are missing out.

6. The strategy you're using doesn't work for this particular problem.

I'll say it again. Diets tell you what to eat. Often, being on a diet will increase the amount of time and energy someone spends focusing on food. Diets don't teach you how to change patterns of emotional eating or overeating when you aren't hungry. They don't teach you how to feed yourself and expand your life in ways that won't leave you feeling deprived. Users of my program are often surprised at first how little time they spend focusing on food. The program doesn't count fat grams or calories or carbs. The program helps you target the reasons you feel hungry and the reasons you eat when you aren't. The program helps you GET OFF the diet rollercoaster and put food in a much smaller place in your life.

7. You aren't applying the strategy correctly.

If you've been dieting for years, it can be hard to move out of the mindset of deprivation and blaming yourself when the diet doesn't work out (even though the diet was probably doomed to fail in the first place--remember--a diet is the wrong strategy). Using the tools in the Emotional Eating Toolbox(TM) takes practice. Often users initially have a hard time looking at their eating patterns and their emotions without feeling the old self-blame, shame and guilt.

One of the biggest benefits that Toolbox users and coaching clients note is being able to stop feeling guilty and bad all the time. That's HUGE.

8. You failed to combine your strategy with another strategy.

If we try to fit ourselves into a strategy or a program instead of finding a strategy that fits and works with our specific individual situation, we're likely to get stuck. Cookie cutter eating plans and programs are problematic because we are all different. For instance, the Toolbox program guides you to your own answers and strategies through the work you do and the answers you provide about yourself.

9. The problem has more than one answer.

There is no one magic cause of weight gain and there is no one magic answer for weight loss. People's paths for taking control of their emotional eating will be different. Once you have the basic set of tools, you will be more successful if you learn to use them in the way that complements your personality, your strengths, your struggles, and your life.

10.The problem can't be solved.

Emotions and tough times are real. We might not like them but we can't just wish them away. Trying to ignore or bury emotions doesn't work well in the long term either. The truth is that there is no diet or food plan that is going to help us cope with tough emotions. If we forget about the emotional part of our eating and simply focus on the food, we're going to get stuck and we're likely to fail. And then we are likely to blame ourselves--which isn't helpful either.

There ARE powerful tools that can help anybody get through the emotions and situations that they struggle with. When we learn them and practice using them it's easier to put food in it's place, make choices that feel good about eating, and put more energy into creating the lives we really want to be living.

Take good care,

Melissa

Emotional Spending?

Here’s more evidence that it pays to be mindful of your mood—or more accurately—that it might literally cost you if you aren’t. A recent study by researchers at Harvard, Carnegie Mellon, Stanford and the University of Pittsburgh found that study participants who watched a sad movie clip were later willing to spend four times more money on a fancy water bottle than those who watched a movie clip that was emotionally neutral.

The researchers hypothesize that feeling sad may cause us to become more self-absorbed and devalue our possessions, then try to increase our sense of self worth by purchasing something.

Whether that’s the reason, or whether participants wanted to distract themselves or boost their mood by buying something new, the results of the study remind me a lot of the process of emotional eating.

Like emotional eaters, it’s quite possible that the emotional shoppers are more vulnerable to trying to find “a quick fix” for or a distraction from the negative emotional state they are experiencing. Learning the tools that allow you to slow down, identify your emotions and strategize about how to respond to them is incredibly powerful. Clients who use the Emotional Eating Toolbox™ program often tell me that they quickly find the tools they learn help them in many aspects of their life—not only with overeating and weight loss.

When we can learn to be present in the moment and aware of how we are feeling and what we are needing, we tend to be much better equipped to make choices that are in our best interest.

What do you think?

Melissa

“Melissa, Why do you work with bariatric surgery patients?”

I’m often asked this. Clients and readers are often curious because I’m not a weight loss surgery patient myself and because I don’t have a “weight loss story.” Except that I do. My story has emerged from the stories of others.

The truth is, I founded Enduring Change Coaching after years of practicing as a Clinical Psychologist. As a Clinical Psychologist, one area of expertise has been helping people with food and weight issues. Since 1995, I have worked with just about every kind of eating disorder, weight issue, and food issue an adult can have. I’ve witnessed peoples’ pain, struggles and desperation, and I’ve had the honor of sharing in their experiences of transformation (and I’m not just talking about weight)—as they found their own paths to making peace with food, resolving weight issues, putting eating and food in a much smaller place in their lives, and moving on to focusing on more enjoyable and empowering things.

I developed the Emotional Eating Toolbox™ and run the bariatric surgery coaching programs at Enduring Change because I saw people struggling with their weight and feeling hopeless and I knew the tools and strategies that I have developed with my clients can make a profound difference. I’ve met too many people who believe that taking control of their weight and their relationship with food isn’t possible and who believe that they must resign themselves to fighting—and losing—battles with weight forever.

I’ve known and worked with too many bariatric surgery patients who are stuck in a mode of self-blame. They believe they should be able to succeed with weight loss and with weight loss surgery without help or support and they blame themselves when they struggle.

I’ve known other weight loss surgery patients who were never told that there are other essential tools they need to acquire and use with weight loss surgery. (Thankfully, I’m seeing less of this.) They too feel like failures when they find themselves struggling with emotional eating, overeating and weight gain after surgery.

And I’ve worked with plenty of people who have had weight loss surgery, who know darned well that the procedure they had is only one tool. They know that they have other challenging work ahead of them, and other tools they will need to acquire to get where they want to go. The problem is, they aren’t sure where to get those tools. There are (in many areas) too few support groups (especially for individuals who are 12 months or more post-surgery) and not enough information about good resources. There is not enough information about overeating and emotional eating. People are quick to tell you not to overeat, not to use food to fill an “emotional hole,” and not to eat to cope with stress or boredom or loneliness. But there is not enough quality information and help out there about what to do instead.

That’s been my experience. And that’s why I coach individuals and hold special coaching programs and conferences for people who have had bariatric surgery—by telephone—so anyone can attend. It’s why I periodically offer free teleclasses. Most importantly, it was one of my motivations for creating the Emotional Eating Toolbox™ Self-guided Program. Because there is too much shame and self-blame out there. And because we all are a lot more likely to succeed when we have the right tools.

Take good care,

Melissa

The New and Improved Emotional Eating Toolbox is Here!

I'm pleased to announce that the Emotional Eating Toolbox(TM) 28-day Program for taking charge of overeating and emotional eating is now available as a soft cover workbook and CD set! The previous version, which was downloadable, is no longer available (thanks to those who helped me with my Spring cleaning!). The workbook is hefty--150 pages--and, just as it was before, it's packed with powerful tools, individualized strategies, templates and schedules to help you take control, move beyond dieting, and put food in a much smaller place in your life. If you check out the new graphic on this page you can see the snazzy new cover.

One of the reasons that we moved to a non-downloadable version was because we've had so much interest from groups, programs and support groups who want to purchase the program in bulk quantities and work through it together. If you are interested in volume pricing, please contact us.

Take good care,

Melissa

Emotional Eating Toolbox(TM) Spring Cleaning Deal!

There are some exciting changes coming up at Enduring Change, and our Emotional Eating Programs. In the spirit of my last post, you are invited to help with some of my Spring Cleaning. There are a limited number of Emotional Eating Toolbox 28-Day Self-guided programs available at a discounted price. The information about the program and about how to order is here. (this is the self-study program, NOT the Emotional Eating Coaching Groups). A limited number have been set aside. Type in the coupon code springfever at checkout and the price will be discounted by $34! When they're gone, they're gone!

Take good care,

Melissa

Emotional Eating Program for Weight Loss Surgery Patients

People sometimes mistakenly think that weight loss surgery is a quick fix. Not true. Bariatric or weight loss surgery is a tool that is sometimes helpful in helping people take control of obesity and lose a significant amount of weight. However, as all weight loss surgery patients learn, the surgery is only one tool of several they will need to lose weight, keep the weight off, and live the life that they truly want to live. One of the areas I specialize in is helping weight loss surgery patients acquire the other tools they need to make weight loss permanent.

Many weight loss surgery patients continue to struggle with emotional eating after surgery. Sometimes this is an issue immediately, but often it is over time that the emotional eating habits (and the weight) start to come back.

The Emotional Eating Toolbox (TM) 28-day program is a self-guided program that is very adaptable for weight loss surgery patients and that bariatric surgery patients have used successfully to take control of their eating and maximize their success with bariatric surgery. In fact, Bariatric Support Centers International (BSCI) reviewed the program and now features it on their website for members.

The Emotional Eating Toolbox(TM) Deluxe Program for Weight Loss Surgery Patients was designed for weight loss surgery patients who want to use the Toolbox program but would like more personalized support, accountability and coaching through the process. This deluxe program includes the Emotional Eating Toolbox(TM) 28-day program, four weekly hour-long coaching groups led by me and attended by other weight loss surgery patients (these small groups are held by phone so that you can participate from anywhere you are), and an individual coaching session with me to help you really fine-tune and customize your work on the program.

Sessions of this special program begin on April 17 and on May 29. The deadline for the April group is approaching quickly, but if you sign up by April 16 (assuming space is available), we can get you your materials in time for the first group meeting.

Take good care,

Melissa

Cravings, emotional eating, and knowing what to do about overeating

Emotional eating is a term that’s all over the media this month. There is lots of talk about Paul McKenna and the show I Can Make You Thin and how to stop emotional eating. I confess that I haven’t seen the show yet, but I understand that this week's episode showcased his use of Thought Field Therapy to address emotional eating.

I don't use Thought Field Therapy with my clients. Instead, I teach my clients how to get beyond their emotional eating by showing them the tools they need to identify what is driving their urges to overeat. I teach them how to identify what they need to feed their REAL cravings and hungers and emotions so that they can feel satisfied and stop focusing so much on food. I also don’t tell my clients to ignore their hunger (as many weight loss programs do). I don’t ask my clients to try to distract themselves so they can avoid their hunger until the next time when they are “supposed to eat.” I help my clients face their hunger head on. I help the people I work with recognize that their hunger means they are wanting or needing or feeling something and I help them figure out how to get clear on what that really is, and then how to respond to it.

When we have the tools to accurately respond to our emotional needs and wants, we are empowered to take care of ourselves in a way that overeating will never provide. THAT helps us make changes that last. Having the right tools helps people learn to give food a much smaller place in their lives and get on with focusing on the people, things, and goals that are truly important to them.

Tomorrow I am offering a free teleclass on How to REALLY Feed Your Cravings So You Can Lose Weight.

The class is tomorrow, Thursday, March 27, 2008 at 7pm Eastern, 6pm Central, 5pm Mountain and 4pm Pacific time and you can still enroll.

In the class, I'll teach you five ways to feed yourself what you are really hungry for that won't cause weight gain and should make weight loss easier. Trust me, these are NOT gimmicks or diet tricks. That's simply not what I am about. These are the real tools that you need to know to be able to lose weight and maintain weight loss.

Teleclasses are easy to attend. Once you are registered, you'll get an email with the phone number to call. You simply dial in and provide an access code. Note that you will be responsible for any long distance charges. You can go here to register.

Take good care,

Melissa

How NOT to overeat when you are stressed at work

A client just emailed me. She’s using the Emotional Eating Toolbox(TM) program at home and has discovered that she’s using food to cope with her feelings at work when a task seems overwhelming. She asks: “How can I handle the stress (at work)?” Great question.

Finding the right answer for you will depend on a number of things, including your individual preferences and schedule, the constraints of your job, and the nature of the task. However, here are some questions that might be helpful.

Can you identify when you start to feel overwhelmed and when you start thinking about food? Is it before you face the task? Is it procrastination? Is it in the middle of the task? When you do think about food, what are you feeling—confused, distracted, anxious, uncertain, overloaded? Do you eat when the task is done as a reward or as a way to deal with the stress you built up “getting through” the process? The answers to these questions give you valuable information to help you shape an alternative response to eating that will work for you. Knowing these answers will allow you to begin to pinpoint how you could respond to your feelings directly.

If the task seems overwhelming is there anything you could do to make it one degree less overwhelming? Could you break it down into smaller sub-goals? Get more clarity about what is expected? Delegate? Can you get additional support—either support to help you with the project or support for you in other areas so that you have more energy to devote to the project? Can you dive in for ten minutes and see how that feels?

Sometimes we just need to take a break. Can you walk around the block or around your office or even go to the bathroom and look yourself in the eye in the mirror and ask yourself what you need to do next? Can you stretch or get a cup of tea instead of heading to the vending machine?

Sometimes we just have to do the really hard thing. If you take a deep breath and dive in, how will you reward yourself for your courage? What can you do instead of snacking? How can you celebrate your progress as you work through the task? How can you give yourself credit?

These questions are just the tip of the iceberg. The key point is that once we start asking ourselves what we REALLY need and what we are REALLY feeling (and once we acknowledge that it’s not hunger), we start to be able to formulate solutions that are powerful and much more effective than a bag of chips from the vending machine.

Taking Control of Emotional Eating Class: You can listen in

Yesterday I presented the first of a series of free teleclasses I will be running in 2008. We had a great class--and the feedback was incredibly enthusiastic. Thanks so much everyone! We covered a lot of ground, including some huge mistakes people make in trying to lose weight, take charge of emotional eating, and make lasting changes in their relationship with food. If you missed the call and would like to listen to the recording, you can go here.

Emotional eating and weight loss: is a fresh start really what you want?

Happy 2008!

Given that it's January, I shouldn't be surprised at all the ads promoting the beginning of the year and the opportunity for a "fresh start." Like lots of people, I love new beginnings. I like the first page in a new notebook and putting up my new calendar. In January I do think about my goals and plans for the year. But. Please don't see January as an opportunity to "start over." See the New Year as an opportunity to "start where you are."

Just because you haven't achieved your goal doesn't mean that you:

1. haven't already put some effort (probably LOTS of effort) into it


2. don't know more about yourself and what it will take for you to succeed than anyone else on the planet

When you embark on a new change, a new resolution, a new project, be sure to take your wisdom with you! No new diet, no great new program, no philosophy of eating will work for you in a permanent way if you don't take into consideration who you are, where you are in your readiness for change, and what you need to succeed. Your individuality is a crucial part of the equation.

When I get feedback from users of my Emotional Eating Toolbox(TM) and participants in Emotional Eating Toolbox Coaching Groups(TM), I'm always a bit surprised (although I shouldn't be), at how excited people are when they learn how to finally incorporate their own wisdom and their own readiness for change into the process. It can be a surprisingly hard thing to do but the Toolbox program teaches tools that are targeted at overcoming the resistance and self-criticism that often get in the way. Accessing our own wisdom and self-knowledge so that we can incorporate it with outside knowledge is often the final crucial piece that allows everything else to fall into place.

When you think about your goals or resolutions for the year, take some time to also evaluate what you know about yourself that will help you succeed. Where have you gotten stuck in the past? What could you add or do differently so that that doesn't happen again? How can you mobilize your strengths and not push too hard on the things that are just more difficult for you? What are you honestly ready to take on and what needs to wait (for now)?

These are questions we will be addressing in depth in the Emotional Eating Toolbox Coaching Groups(TM), which start on January 23. These groups work in tandem with the Emotional Eating Toolbox(TM). Once you've purchased the Toolbox program, you can join a group at any time. Each week, we'll meet you where you are in the program. We'll focus on your next step, help you over any hurdles and stuck spots, and help add some momentum to keep you moving in the direction you want to go. Take a look, and consider whether these options might be for you.

Take good care,

Melissa

PS: I'm also just added some additional individual coaching slots to my January schedule. If you would like to schedule a free consultation to have your questions answered about coaching and to investigate whether individual coaching would be a helpful option for you, please email me.

The Mom Song: for everyone who is a mom or who has one

Check this out and then I'll tell you what "The Mom Song" has to do with emotional eating. If you've ever been a child OR a mom, I think you'll love this clip.



Is it any wonder that overeating, nibbling, grazing and even bingeing become a "convenient" way to temporarily deal with our needs? When we're busy, when we feel responsible for multiple people and multiple obligations, when we are working to balance multiple roles, it's tempting to neglect our own needs, to take a "short cut" and do the easiest, most immediate thing that might "make ourselves feel better."

Eating a cookie (or two or six) doesn't require a lot of time, it doesn't make demands on others, it doesn't require us to assert ourselves or disappoint anyone else. But--as we all know, in the long run, the food we eat in an attempt to cope with our emotions, our anxiety, our boredom, our tiredness, or anything else besides hunger, doesn't accomplish anything permanently helpful.

As we move into the holiday season, the demands on most of us (moms or not) are likely to increase. "The most wonderful time of the year" can also be an incredibly stressful time. I'll be encouraging my clients (and reminding myself) to SLOW DOWN and identify and focus on the really important stuff.

If you want some extra help, you might want to take a look at the Emotional Eating Toolbox, a 28-Day program focused on teaching you the tools to move beyond emotional eating so that you can get on with the life you want to live.

Take good care,

Melissa

Researching Alternatives to Weight Loss Surgery

The University of Buffalo announced today that they have partnered with a major insurance company to undertake a five year study of alternatives to weight loss surgery for those who are 100 pounds or more overweight.

According to an overview of the study, participants will be divided into four groups and will test four different combinations of behavior modification, lifestyle changes, meal replacement, counseling and medication over the next five years. Researchers cite the importance of identifying effective options for severely overweight individuals. Kudos to them. The annual cost of obesity in the United States is 117 billion and that doesn't begin to factor in the emotional and physical pain and suffering that accompanies chronic weight struggles. Gastric bypass surgeries increased 1000% between 1995 and 2005.

Researchers say that all four groups in the experiment will receive education in two critical areas: relapse prevention and motivational strategies. I hope they hit these areas hard.

Everyone who struggles with their weight knows how important it is to learn how to keep the weight off. Preventing relapse means developing strategies for feeding yourself that you can maintain--for life. Weight loss surgery patients know this too.

Enduring weight loss means so much more than changing what we eat. We all face pressures to use food to feed our feelings, combat stress, be social and have fun. If we don't have the right tools to address these pressures or if we aren't aware of our own individual vulnerabilities, the weight will come back.

If you've lost weight, I'd love to hear from you. Please leave a comment. What has helped you lose the weight? Keep it off? What important lessons have you learned and where have you struggled?

Melissa

The Number One Mistake Emotional Eaters Make

It has nothing to do with food--but it flavors everything.

The number one mistake people make when they are trying to gain control of emotional overeating is that they get mad at themselves and beat themselves up emotionally when things don't go as planned, when they have a slip,or when they overeat. Self-critical judgment is a dead-end place.

You tell yourself you're "wrong" or "bad" or "hopeless." You "screwed up" and you'll have to do better tomorrow.

Like children, adults don't thrive with punishment and negative words. Think about it. How often is the moment that you decide you've "blown it again" the very same moment you decide to go ahead and finish the bag of chips or the cookie dough or the what-ever you just got mad at yourself for eating?

Judgment and self blame are negative, closed, dead-end places.They do nothing to encourage creative problem solving, optimism, resourcefulness--the very things needed to move forward in your emotional eating journey. In fact, when we pile on the self-blame and the guilt, we're more likely to want to go to bed and pull the covers up over our head than we are to want to keep moving forward.

Curiosity is the opposite of judgment. Curiosity is the tool of problem solvers. Curiosity is one of the most powerful tools you can learn to use in making peace with food. Curiosity provides the power to ask questions that will open doors and propel you forward in a journey to take the power back from food and diet. Curiosity allows you to see options and opportunity and new solutions. It's the avenue for learning how to "do it differently."

It's impossible to be absolutely curious and full of self-judgment at the same time.

It might be hard to imagine changing old habits of self blame and that feeling that you "deserve" to be hard on yourself, but my clients are amazed at how powerful that shift feels when they learn how to make it--and how much momentum it provides.

Three ways to engage your curiosity:

Next time you are struggling with your eating/weight/relationshipwith food, try on the following questions. Work to suspend judgmentand approach the questions and your answers with curiosity:

1. What do I know about what made today (this afternoon, this week) so difficult for me? What contributed to my struggles?
2. How was today (a difficult day) different from yesterday which was a little bit better? Is there anything I could learn from the difference that I might incorporate into my life or routine?
3. What was going on for me before I overate? What could I have done insteadof eating?

Learning to let go of the self-blame and embrace a curious mindset is a major component of the 28-Day Emotional Eating Toolbox (TM) program. If you are interested, you can also enroll in a program that includes the Toolbox Self-guided program AND small group coaching.