The Power of Small Steps

The demands of life are many. Believe me, I feel it too. It’s easy to get swept up by responsibilities and life expectations and distracted from our goals, our dreams and our aspirations.

And sometimes, when we see where we want to go—so far off in the distance—the distance to cover can seem overwhelming. Sometimes it seems too far away to even contemplate starting the journey.

The problem is, if you don’t start, you won’t get there.

Here’s the truth. The distance from where you are now to where you want to go is rarely as far away or out of reach as you think, AND the path you lay out at the beginning isn’t always the path you’ll end up taking, AND good things often happen along the journey to break up your trip, spice up your life, and make the trip a reward in itself.

Momentum begins when you take the first step. Any step. And it continues when you pick up your other foot and put it in front of the one you just moved. As you get moving, you DO figure it out—and the momentum you create by being in action will propel you further forward.

My challenge to you: What small concrete step can you take today that will get you closer to where you want to go?

Take good care,

Melissa

Emotional Eating: Creating Enduring Change

I’ve spent a lot of time in airports lately. That means that I’ve spent a lot of time at the news stand, scanning the covers of magazines, looking for some nice relaxing reading material. In my browsing, I’ve been struck by how magazine articles emphasize making changes or starting something new.

“Get in bikini shape,” "The diet that works," “Exercise programs for 6-pack abs.” You know what I’m talking about--headlines with big sparkly promises that aim to excite us about undertaking a new project.

Given the appropriate level of enthusiasm, most of us are able to get motivated to start something new. It’s fresh territory, a clean slate, a new approach.

Here’s what the magazines don’t talk about: successful change doesn’t happen with just a bright shiny new program. The right program is only one tool. Enduring change requires stamina. Changes that last require us to pace ourselves. It’s not just STARTING the exciting new project; it’s continuing to slog ahead when the going gets tough and when the excitement wanes.

With emotional eating, stamina means having the courage to stop and ask ourselves why we are reaching for the Doritos, even on the days when we’re not sure we really want to know the answer. Enduring change requires starting the project or the program, riding the wave of any honeymoon phase we are lucky enough to experience, and then recognizing that the biggest payoff comes when the easy part stops and we start feeling stuck.

It’s really true. When you hit that spot where you feel like “here we go again, this is where it all falls apart,” and you stick with it, you keep slogging ahead, you put your head down and you keep taking small steps forward--THAT’S where the big payoff happens.

It's hard. Many people can’t do this alone. We have too many inner critics--powerful inner perfectionists, who talk us into sabotage and failure. This is the place where you can pay off big if you call a friend or a role model. This is one of the biggest benefits of hiring a coach. It can take courage to state that the change you are trying to make is important enough to reach out for help, but investing in yourself and investing in moving forward is a powerful step. The experience of learning how to bypass those internal critics and those old stumbling blocks is priceless.

As enticing as the magazine headlines are, many times we don’t need to start over. What we need is the encouragement and the accountability and the support and the reminders to KEEP GOING. We need that voice in our ear reminding ourselves that we really truly are getting somewhere. Small steps, moving forward--that's what pays off.

Take good care,

Melissa

My Six Word Memoir: “Life is not the dress rehearsal”

I posted this quote (attributed to Rose Tremain) on my bedroom wall when I was sixteen and now it lives on my website--you can find it (here).

Here’s a bit about what it means to me:

Make sure you are writing the script you want to be living.

Get clear on your priorities, your values, and your goals and then spend your energy accordingly. Spending the time to do this will pay off in ways you won’t believe. Ask yourself, “Are you running your life or is your life running you?” If your life isn’t what you want it to be, spend the energy, the time, or the dollars to get the help you need to get on YOUR track.

Don’t wait for someone else to yell, “Action!”

Don’t wait for permission from anyone else to live your life. Make sure to create space for you. If it seems like there is never time or opportunity for the things you value or for your priorities, there is something wrong.

By the same token, don’t neglect yourself in the care you extend. Remember--put your oxygen mask on first. It’s essential. Self-care and attention to your needs will make not only your life, but the world, a better place.

Be brave. Don’t let stage fright stop you.

Even Oscar winners get stage fright. Courage does not mean having no fear. Courage means doing the hard thing anyway. Acknowledge your stage fright. Take a deep breath, be afraid, and then do the thing you need to do. Just take the first small step. We tend to have more regret around the things we didn’t do than the things we did that didn’t go perfectly.

Don’t be afraid to improvise.

You don’t have to know every step of the process in order to get started. If you have a goal or a dream and you can identify one step that you can take towards it—get moving. Plans unfold and evolve as we live them. Things that originally seemed impossible from a distance aren’t usually so imposing once we find a way to start approaching them. Take action and let the momentum and the plan unfold and build as you go.

This entry was inspired by Diana who blogs over at Iowa Avenue and also has a blog called The Menu Coach Chronicles. She tagged me to write a Six Word Memoir. It’s now my turn to pass the blogging baton by tagging people myself.

The rules are simple--write your own six word memoir following these five rules:

• Write your own six word (max) memoir


• Post it on your blog and include a visual illustration if you want


• Link to the person who tagged you in your post.


• Tag at least five more blogs.


• Leave a comment on the tagged blogs with an invitation to play.

I invite the following bloggers to play. Some of you I know and some of you I haven't met. I just love your blogs and am interested in what you'll have to say. Hope you decide to play along.
Karly, Gregory Anne, Jay, Henrik and Stephanie --Tag—you’re it!

The National Mindless Eating Challenge

Last year I blogged about (and recommended) Brian Wansink's book Mindless Eating: Why we eat more than we think . The book has great insights, tips and strategies for curbing eating we don't even know that we do. It's really an interesting and helpful read and an invaluable tool if your goals are to have more control and awareness of your eating.

Now, in conjunction with the Cornell Food and Brand Lab, Brian is offering another great (free!) resource: The National Mindless Eating Challenge.

When you sign up for the challenge (did I mention that it's free?), you fill out a brief survey about yourself, your goals, and your lifestyle. As the website says, this isn't a challenge based on height and weight and BMI, it's about taking steps that allow you to become more mindful of the way you eat, and make food choices that leave you feeling healthy, and give you the energy you want to have.

The program allows you to choose from a variety of goals. Again, this is not a weight loss challenge, although you could definitely use it to develop some habits that will help you lose weight. Don't tell anyone, but I chose "improve my family's health without their knowledge" as my primary challenge goal.

Once you've completed the survey, you will receive concrete suggestions about how to make small, relevent changes to your behavior that are customized to your survey responses. The program provides a checklist that you can use to track progress, periodic emails, and new challenges each month. I like the way the program had me chose achievable goals and actually asked me to do some strategizing around potential hurdles I might face in achieving them.

Finally, I love this quote from the Mindless Eating Challenge website:

"Food is such an important part of our life and our world, it shouldn't be the source of frustration and concern that it is to so many people. Our hope is that we can help you (and your family) make small, painless changes that can help you eat better and enjoy food more."

I've just started the challenge, but so far I give it two thumbs up!

Melissa

The Good Life

What if I told you there was a simple, five minute ritual that research has shown can actually increases someone's level of happiness and reduce symptoms of depression? What if I told you that either the ritual or the results (or both) were so compelling that six months after researchers first introduced the technique to their subjects, they were astounded to find that many of them were still using it even though the study had ended after the first week. Would you be interested?

We spend so much time thinking about problems and how to solve them. Some of our brain seems to be wired to focus on the things that don't work and that we want repaired. The truth is, there are some delightful, easy things we can do to enrich our lives and they don't have to take a lot of money or time. The good life doesn't require private jets and a lot of time. The good life comes from aiming consistently for "a better life." I'm talking about the small things we can do to keep the good feelings, the good relationships, or to make things even a bit brighter or nicer. It's like making sure we are applying fertilizer regularly and also making sure the set-up of our life allows us to notice and savor the parts of it we truly love.

What am I talking about? Well it's different for everyone, but here are some ideas: recently, I wrote about the power of music to transform your mood, your activity, and to help feed your spirit. Sometimes taking the time to put on a CD or grab your mp3 player is all you need to make whatever you are doing one notch better. One of my favorite inventions in the world is my coffee maker with a timer on it. Even better is that my incredible husband gets things ready every evening so in the morning when I stumble downstairs, I am greeted by the smell of a great pot of coffee. For me, it makes starting every day perfect, no matter what happens after that.

I have a friend who makes sure she always has cut flowers from her yard on her desk. It truly adds to the quality of her day. Someone else cherishes her morning and evening walks alone with her dog. They help reset her brain and her mood for the next part of her day. In our family, a face-to-face start and end of the day are important. I cherish saying good morning to everyone and wishing them a good night's sleep at the end of the day. If someone isn't home for the night, I find I really really miss that ritual.

Another idea suggested to me was to set aside five minutes every day to send a brief email or make a phone call to a friend you haven't talked to lately. Just to connect and say you were thinking about them or to deliver a compliment.

Think about it. What are the routines and rituals that you already have in place that make your life good? What rituals (remember, I'm talking short and sweet) could you add that would make your good life one notch better? This isn't a rhetorical question. Share your good life routines by adding a comment below. We can all learn from each other.

If you are you curious about the study I mentioned at the beginning, you can read the details here. In the study, participants were asked to take the time each evening to write down three good things that happened each day and their causes. After one week, researchers found that subjects who had kept track of the three good things reported higher levels of happiness and fewer symptoms of depression. While they were not surprised, they were delighted to find that when they retested these subjects three months and then six months after the study ended, these subjects STILL reported increased happiness and decreased symptoms of depression. It turns out that the research subjects had found the ritual so satisfying that they had continued it on their own! You might want to consider the Three Good Things exercise as another routine that can make your good life better.

If you are looking for more ways to add good stuff to your life, check out my complimentary Self-care Package. You can subscribe in the upper right corner of this blog and when you do, you will receive five weekly audio lessons (short!) that you can listen to on your computer.

Take good care,

Melissa

How your iPod can help you take control of emotional eating

A lot of overeating (and emotional eating) happens when we use food to try to "feel better" or improve our mood or our day. Interestingly, music can be an incredibly powerful tool that can serve the same purpose--and doesn't cause weight gain.

At a conference recently, I experienced a very convincing demonstration of the power of music. We were shown a short three minute video, filmed from the perspective of someone walking on a trail through the woods down to a beach. There were no people visible in the video, we only saw the journey through the eyes of the person walking.

We watched the short movie twice. The first time, the video was accompanied by a soundtrack of "scary movie music" (think Jaws and waiting for the shark to break the water). We were all on the edge of our seats, anxious and waiting for something horrible to happen. Then we were shown the video again. This time the music was bright and happy. Watching the video, I noticed the sunny day and the beauty of the woods. It was peaceful and I wanted to be there. I wanted to BE the person walking down the trail. Music changed the mood and created a completely different experience. The music MADE the movie.

Think about it. Music can touch us in powerful ways. A certain song can transport us instantly to a different time or place. Music can elevate our mood. It can be incredibly motivating (think about the theme song from Rocky). Music can relax us and even help us slow down our heart rate.

Belting out the right song can be a great way to work out our anger (Alannis Morrisette anyone?), our hurt, our sorrow or our determination (I knew a woman who prepared to defend her doctoral dissertation by listening to Gloria Gaynor's I Will Survive). Music can soothe us. The right music can feed our soul.

An IPod or mp3 player is a great way to carry a library of music with you and make it instantly accessible. I have this Zune but the teeny-tiny green iPod Shuffle has also caught my eye. Listening to the music on my mp3 player can instantly change how I feel when I run and can make doing boring paperwork a peaceful and enjoyable experience.

Think about it. How and when could you use music to enhance your life, decrease your stress, and maybe even reduce your urges to overeat?

Take good care,

Melissa

Are You Dreaming Big Enough?

Often, emotional eating happens when people are trying to fill unaddressed gaps in the rest of their lives. Emotional eaters tend to be some of the most giving people on the planet--to everyone but themselves. Taking control of emotional eating also involves taking a close look at the rest of your life. Are you giving yourself what you need? Are you feeding your mind? Your body? Your spirit? I promise it will be much easier to avoid the munchies if you are feeding yourself high quality stuff in these other areas.

Do you dream big? Do you dream at all?

I talk to so many people who have been jolted by the realization that they've been so busy chasing their lives and doing everything that's "expected," that they've stopped moving towards creating what they really truly desire.

So many people have wonderful dreams that are buried just beneath the surface--a book they'd love to write, a business venture they'd like to pursue, a race they'd like to sign up for, or a trip they want to take. If only.

If only they had: more time, more motivation, more get-up-and-go. If only they weren't so busy, or if only they had--more money, more connections, more support. If only they could get organized, or if only they could get some time to think. If only they could figure out the first steps.

Here's what I know:

1. The bigger we allow ourselves to dream, the more we accomplish and the more we start to see what is possible.

2. We don't have to be any more amazing than we already are to do amazing things.

3. We don't have to know exactly how we are going to make our dream come true in order to start pursuing it. But we do need to HAVE the dream. We do need to have to have a clear intention that we're going to do whatever-it-is and we do have to create space in our life for our dreams to emerge.

4. Big dreams usually don't require immediate big steps. Small, steady, consistent steps tend to create the most solid and enduring results.

My coaching challenge for you:

1. You've heard this from me before--set some goals.
It is vitally important to put what we want into words. Set goals that are concrete and goals that you can get excited about--both short term and longer term goals. Think about what you WANT to do, not what you think you SHOULD do. Choose goals that make you smile when you think about achieving them.

2. Ask yourself how and when you can commit time to your dreams.
If you need to create some space, ask yourself what you can give up, say "no" to or delegate. Even if you only have fifteen minutes a day or one Saturday afternoon a month, claim your time. Schedule it for you and write it in your calendar.

3. Ask yourself what you need to get started.
Do you need a boost in motivation or some inspiration? Do you need an actual place to work on your dream? A supporter or a mentor? More information?

Don't expect yourself to solve this problem in one fell swoop. Try to define one small step you could take towards obtaining what you need. Write the step down and set a date by which you'll accomplish that piece.

4. Take Action.
Sharing our goals is one of the most powerful steps you can take. Add a comment and share your dream or your goal and your first concrete step.

Take good care,

Melissa

Emotional Eating Recovery Guide: 3 things to do instead of eating the M&Ms

The “M&Ms question” is one of the most common questions I hear. I believe it has been asked in every emotional eating group I have ever led.

“I’m not even hungry and I don’t want to eat them--but they call to me. And then I’m eating them. I can’t stop. What do I do about the blasted M&Ms?”

Here are three things you can do to avoid the M&M emotional eating trap. The bonus of these alternatives is that they all build skills that can help you take charge of emotional eating in the future.

1. Identify it and label it
Don’t allow yourself to be on auto-pilot. Don’t allow any part of yourself to deny what you know until “afterwards”. If you do, the M&Ms will win and you’ll end up feeling guilty and disappointed in yourself. Say it out loud, in a nonjudgmental way. “I’m not physically hungry and I’m dying for those M&Ms. I am experiencing something that is triggering me to think about eating even though I don’t need fuel right now." Don’t skip this step. If you are sitting in your cubicle at work and you are embarrassed to say it out loud, pull out a pad of paper and write it down. While you are at it . . .

2. Explore it
Without judgment, try to be a detective and see if you can identify what this “M&M attack” is really about. Pull out a journal or type on your computer for a few minutes. If you can, you might want to go for a short walk while you think. Why is the candy suddenly so important? What was happening before you were thinking of it? What would you be thinking of if you weren’t thinking about the chocolate? What makes this hour different from one when the candy wasn’t calling quite so loudly or at all? If you figure anything out, be direct with yourself and say that out loud too. “I’m not hungry but I’m focusing on eating candy. I just realized it’s because I’m really stressed out about this report I need to get done and I’m worried about how people will respond when I turn in the report.” If you hit pay dirt here, you’ll now find you have a different problem. The problem isn’t really about M&Ms, it’s figuring out how to take care of yourself and the feelings or issues you identified.

3. Start a List
Take the information you gathered in step two and start a list NOW of everything you can think of that you could do to take care of that feeling in addition to eating M&Ms. Put it in your wallet or by your bed where you can add ideas as you think of them. Don’t censor your ideas for being unrealistic or impossible. Write down every possible thing (big or small) you can think of to do in response to worry or anxiety or tiredness or boredom (or whatever you have identified). Make a commitment to try two of those things, this week when the candy craving hits. Carry the list with you. Keep adding and experimenting.

Recovery from emotional eating is a process. It takes time, and it takes the right tools. If you allow yourself to stop, identify that emotional eating is happening, and explore the situation and your needs, you will find your way out of the M&M trap.

Take good care,

Melissa

Take small steps for enduring weight loss

It’s one thing to read about the alarming increase in obesity in our country. It’s a stunning thing to see this visual depiction of the growing problem on the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention website—check this out:

Obesity Prevalence Map

Despite the millions of dollars being spent on weight loss every year, we are dramatically moving in the wrong direction, and clearly the advertising enticing us to try the newest “quick fix” isn’t helping the way the ads promise it should.

So what to do? The need for long term, enduring solutions is greater than ever. When we see a huge problem, we are tempted to think big. The problem is, big changes usually overwhelm. It is important to remember that the path to permanent change is so often achieved through consistent but small, reasonable sized steps. Rapid drastic changes don’t fit easily with our lives and they often don’t last.

This week, I challenge you to come up with one small reasonable step that you can take to improve the health of you and your family. Select a step that you can imagine sticking with for the next ten years—not a short term fix.

Think reasonable and think realistic. Think about improving something about your lifestyle just *one notch*. Think about a pace that you can live with.

The change you select might be serving plates in the kitchen instead of at the table, or leaving the salt shaker in the cupboard. It might be cutting the sugar you put in your coffee in half or cutting your TV time by 30 minutes to do something more active. Maybe you’ll decide to always take the parking spot half a row farther away then you need to. Be creative but think honestly about who you are, what your family will tolerate and what you can commit to.

Leave a comment and let me know what you committed to. Let's start changing the map!

Take good care,

Melissa

It's February: Do your resolutions need recharging?

So how are you doing? Do you feel like you're moving in the direction you want your life to go? Where are you in relation to your hopes and dreams and goals? Do you see yourself making steady progress in the right direction? Taking charge of emotional eating means learning to feed ourselves in ways that are more powerful than food. It means paying attention to our hopes and dreams and taking the steps we need to take to move forward. Taking charge of emotional eating means living a bigger life and learning to think beyond food.

If the picture isn't as rosy as you'd like it to be, if you are off track or struggling or just-plain-not-moving, don't despair. This is a great time to reevaluate, rework your plan, and begin taking some powerful steps in the direction you want to go. Whether you want to write a book, change your job, lose weight, or start using your treadmill for something other than a clothes rack, here are three essential tips for getting (and staying) on track.

1. Be specific.
Set concrete SMART goals. SMART stands for Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic and Tangible. "I will write three pages every morning before work" is a SMART goal. So is, "I will apply for two jobs this week." "I will get in shape" is not a SMART goal, but "I will complete the weight circuit at the gym on Monday, Wednesday and Friday after work" is.

2. Break your overall goal down into manageable steps.
If you want to quit smoking, you'll need more than one "quit smoking goal." Create specific SMART sub-goals and milestones for each day and each week. If you aren't achieving your daily milestones, you'll need to step back and evaluate why your plan isn't working, then add in the components you need to meet your daily targets. Key questions to ask here might be: "Is my goal reasonable for the time frame?" "What might help me increase my odds of success in this situation?" "How can I add in some support or accountability?"

3. Keep the big picture in mind.
Chances are, you are looking to make a change that lasts; create a habit that sticks; or complete the big project you are beginning. "Slow and steady" really does win the race. We tend greatly overestimate what we can accomplish in the short run and underestimate what we can do in the bigger picture. Make sure that you are being realistic and don't take on more than your life and current stress level will allow. Small changes are easier to maintain than drastic leaps outside of your comfort zone.

If you want some extra momentum, some help with accountability, and a gentle but powerful kick-in-the-pants with your goal or dream, consider joining a Resolution Coaching Group. The next session of the Resolution Coaching Telegroups begins February 27 (just click on the link for more information and to listen to a short audio recording about the groups). This is a terrific opportunity to jump start your goals and gain powerful momentum as you move forward with your dream. The small group format is a fun and affordable way to try out Life Coaching. As an additional encouragement, we're offering a discount when you sign up with a friend. Bring a friend and BOTH of you will get a $20 discount on the session. Go here for the scoop.

How NOT to overeat when you are stressed at work

A client just emailed me. She’s using the Emotional Eating Toolbox(TM) program at home and has discovered that she’s using food to cope with her feelings at work when a task seems overwhelming. She asks: “How can I handle the stress (at work)?” Great question.

Finding the right answer for you will depend on a number of things, including your individual preferences and schedule, the constraints of your job, and the nature of the task. However, here are some questions that might be helpful.

Can you identify when you start to feel overwhelmed and when you start thinking about food? Is it before you face the task? Is it procrastination? Is it in the middle of the task? When you do think about food, what are you feeling—confused, distracted, anxious, uncertain, overloaded? Do you eat when the task is done as a reward or as a way to deal with the stress you built up “getting through” the process? The answers to these questions give you valuable information to help you shape an alternative response to eating that will work for you. Knowing these answers will allow you to begin to pinpoint how you could respond to your feelings directly.

If the task seems overwhelming is there anything you could do to make it one degree less overwhelming? Could you break it down into smaller sub-goals? Get more clarity about what is expected? Delegate? Can you get additional support—either support to help you with the project or support for you in other areas so that you have more energy to devote to the project? Can you dive in for ten minutes and see how that feels?

Sometimes we just need to take a break. Can you walk around the block or around your office or even go to the bathroom and look yourself in the eye in the mirror and ask yourself what you need to do next? Can you stretch or get a cup of tea instead of heading to the vending machine?

Sometimes we just have to do the really hard thing. If you take a deep breath and dive in, how will you reward yourself for your courage? What can you do instead of snacking? How can you celebrate your progress as you work through the task? How can you give yourself credit?

These questions are just the tip of the iceberg. The key point is that once we start asking ourselves what we REALLY need and what we are REALLY feeling (and once we acknowledge that it’s not hunger), we start to be able to formulate solutions that are powerful and much more effective than a bag of chips from the vending machine.

Stress, emotional eating, and knowing when to "stop"

Today at my office, on a very busy day, the power went out. Just like that. No warning. The power company had no idea what went wrong or how long it would be before power was restored. And so here I sat. No computer. No phone. No fax or copier. I couldn’t even use the shredder to finish off the pile of trash beside my desk. And I had so much to do.

Eventually, after several false starts (turns out it’s hard to file papers while holding a flashlight), I just stopped. I stopped and I sat in my chair by the window, and eventually I picked up a pile of paperwork I could do by hand and started slowly working on that. What I became very aware of was how soothing it was to slow down--to only be doing and thinking about one thing at a time—and how difficult it really is to slow down when we’re feeling stressed and trying to do too much. I hadn’t really been aware of how many tasks were on my mind and on my mental to-do list until I was literally forced to drastically limit my activity.

Stopping when we are overwhelmed--taking that literal deep breath and just pausing for a moment or two to regroup and to make a conscious decision about what to do next--can make all the difference in the world. And yet, when we are stressed, our brains, our adrenaline levels, our to-do lists, all seem to urge us to keep moving and keep working. Many emotional eaters use food to help them shut out the feelings and help them keep going—through stress, or anxiety, or exhaustion. Sometimes it doesn’t even occur to us to pause or take a break.

Do you recognize this pattern as your own? When in your life could you be more skilled at “stopping?” What are the consequences if you don’t? What one thing could you set into place or post on your refrigerator, or start doing that would help you remember to take a pause and take a breath and make a conscious decision about how to manage your stress. What could you do to help you pause and deliberately consider whether eating because you are stressed is what you really want to do?

Post your comments and ideas below and let me know how they work.

Take good care,

Melissa

New Year's Resolutions Don't Have to Fade Away in January . . .

I just added the information about the next series of Resolutions Telecoaching Groups to my website. These groups harness the power of Life Coaching and group support to help you take your goals and resolutions out of the planning stages and make them into the realities you want them to be. If you've been interested in working with a Life Coach, this is a great opportunity to try out coaching in an extremely affordable way.

The next session, consisting of four one-hour groups, begins on February 27. I'm also continuing the "Bring a friend" special discount because it is so much more powerful to take on your dreams with the support of someone who cares about you right there beside you.

Check out the link for more information, including an audio about the groups.

Melissa

Taking Control of Emotional Eating Class: You can listen in

Yesterday I presented the first of a series of free teleclasses I will be running in 2008. We had a great class--and the feedback was incredibly enthusiastic. Thanks so much everyone! We covered a lot of ground, including some huge mistakes people make in trying to lose weight, take charge of emotional eating, and make lasting changes in their relationship with food. If you missed the call and would like to listen to the recording, you can go here.

Making Changes That Last

There is little reward in making changes if the changes don't stick.

Scientists who study change know that mastering the phase of "maintenance" is a crucial part of making any successful change permanent. If we don't develop the skills, the structures, the accountability to keep up with the changes we are making, we won't create changes that last. We become like the yo-yo dieter who has lost the same 20 pounds ten different times.

The maintenance phase of change can begin anywhere from 2-4 months after the initial behavior changes have begun to feel comfortable (the new exercise habit has come to feel routine, you aren't craving cigarettes anymore). Unfortunately, as we get more comfortable with change, we start to relax our vigilance and forget that we are still vulnerable to the old behavior.

Threats to maintaining change that you'll want to watch out for:

Social Pressures: "Everybody else is ordering dessert. I've been doing great, I can afford to relax my rules a bit."
Over Confidence: "I've got this under control, I haven't had a drink in two weeks."
which leads to . . .
Creating Temptation: "There's no reason not to start hanging out at Happy Hour again--I miss my friends. I'll just have club soda and I won't eat any of the free appetizers." Intentionally exposing yourself to things you want to avoid is not a sign of strength.
Self blame and self-critical attitudes: This one surprises people--but it's huge. Studies show that the severity of misplaced self-blame is one of the best predictors of failure to maintain changes. Frequent, inappropriate self criticism backfires and negatively interferes with our ability to make changes. Learning to be curious about why you got stuck or relapsed or "forgot" your plan to change is infinitely more productive than getting mad at yourself.

If you'd like more support and accountability in taking your Resolutions and goals and making them into realities, check out my Resolution Coaching Telegroups which will be starting January 23. You can go here for more information and to hear a recording about the groups.

Take good care,

Melissa

Avoiding Holiday Stress (and Emotional Eating): Tip Five

Take Care of Yourself

I know, it's easier said than done. And yet--when you do it--everything else really is easier. Learning to allow ourselves to prioritize our own self care is an extremely hard lesson for lots of us to learn--but it's really an essential first step. I know that many tip sheets for coping with holiday stress trumpet the value of self care, but I've worked hard to create a way to make it a lot more do-able. Here's my end-of-year gift to you: a Self-care Package(tm). The Self-care Package(tm) I've created consists of five quick-and-to-the-point audio lessons. There's absolutely no cost. Just go here and look in the upper right-hand corner of the page. Or you can use the form in the top right-hand corner of this blog. Once a week for five weeks you'll be emailed a link to a very short (about 3 minutes) audio with concrete steps (and assignments) aimed at helping you improve your self-care and get on track for 2008. I designed the weekly package deliveries to be straightforward and absolutely possible to accomplish. Check it out and leave a comment below to let me know what you think.

Take good care,

Melissa

Avoiding Holiday Stress (and Emotional Eating): Tip Four

Say "No" So You Can Say "Yes"

We can only do what we can do. Really. And, if we want to do it well, we should usually only try to do one thing at a time. I've worked with many women who seemed to believe that if they tried hard enough or learned to get it just right, they would find a way to plant more hours in their day and get more done. Not true. Actually, sometimes the mark of a truly competent person is being able to say (with great truthfulness), "This is really all that I can do." Also, as much as our consumer-driven society would like you to believe it, more ISN'T necessarily better. In most situations, a job well done--quality work (as my son's teachers call it)--trumps more work in terms of how we end up feeling about it. Five pounds lost with comfort and forever feels much more satisfying than ten pounds lost in a carb fast that you know will come back as soon as you lose your "willpower" and eat toast again. The perfect gift that hits just the right chord is ten times more valuable than five gifts that the recipient doesn't value.

This season, try doing less.

You may have noticed a theme in these "emotional eating and stress" posts. Move deliberately, at a pace and in a way that works for you. Know where you are going and move in that direction. In order to do those things, we need to know what we are passionate about--what drives us and where we want to go, and we need to know where and how we find our purpose--why we want to go where we are headed. We also need to be mindful of wrong turns and detours and bright shiny objects that might distract us from our path.

It's a great exercise to practice being alert for the detours and wrong turns--the requests and demands that pull on us that we really don't want or need to spend our energy on. Learn to be aware of them, and--I challenge you to practice saying, "No."

Saying "No" to the things you need to--dead weight obligations that drag you down and don't take you anywhere--creates powerful space and energy in your life for the things connected to your passion and your purpose. That is the space where quality comes from and that is the space where you will create the experiences that you will savor this season and the rest of the year.

Here's my challenge for you: Make a list of three things or "obligations" (big or small) that are keeping you from spending your energy in more valuable places. Now, devise a way to either eliminate them (say "No"), or limit the time and energy they take in your life.

Take good care,

Melissa

Avoiding Holiday Stress (and Emotional Eating): Tip Three

Slow down

Being present and centered allows us to make choices that are planned and deliberate. Being present is what allows us to carefully look at the appetizer tray and decide whether we are hungry and what really looks good. When we’re stressed or in a rush, we often skip that step. As if by magic, our hand reaches out, we fill our plate with food, eat it without really tasting, don’t register much about the taste, and don’t assess whether we are still hungry or whether we are full until much later down the line.

This season, I challenge you to practice slowing down and being present. Make a ritual out of taking five minutes every morning. Use the time to notice how you are doing.

1. What are you thinking about? Each day, write down the one-three things that you could do that would relieve the most pressure on your to-do list and set your goal to get those things accomplished.


2. Notice how you are feeling Are you tired? Sluggish? Excited? If you notice something that could be improved with self-care (such as noticing that you aren’t getting enough sleep or activity), make a quick plan to start to remedy the situation. This probably isn’t the time to undertake a major life transformation, but you can set the intention of taking a brisk walk on your lunch hour or getting to bed thirty minutes earlier.

Too often, if we don’t recognize our need for self-care and if we don’t give ourselves permission to slow down, we’ll resort to food and overeating to fill in the gaps or dampen down the stress or comfort us when we’re tired. Being pro-active by allowing yourself some consistent time to slow down and take stock will help you take control of stressful situations and minimize emotional eating.

Take good care,
Melissa

Mindless Eating

Mindless Eating: Why We Eat More Than We Think by Brian Wansink

Have you read this book? If not, I highly recommend it. Mindless Eating is an interesting, easy to read exploration of, well, just what the title says--mindless eating. Lots of intriguing information about how mindlessly we all eat--and how powerful external forces can be in influencing how much we put into our mouths.

Wansink says that we make over 200 food-related choices every day and he points out many of the influences that can lead us to eat more than we think we are or more than we might really be hungry for. It's not a "how-to" book but it left me thinking about lots of little things in my own life and household including the size and shape of my drinking glasses (read it--you'll see).

Reading Mindless Eating also had me thinking about mindlessness in general. Most of us spend an amazing amount of time in a rather mindless, auto-pilot zone. Do you remember your last bite of food--not what you ate--do you really remember actually chewing and swallowing it? Did you see what your spouse was wearing this morning? Did you hear the radio in your car on the way to work? So much of the time we aren't really present. Not being present is often the first step down the slippery slope of emotional overeating.

Take an inventory of the biggest components of mindlessness in your life. What are the things you do routinely that encourage mindlessness? Surfing the internet? Watching reruns on Nick at Nite that you've already seen ten times? Video games?

If you are feeling courageous, I challenge you to estimate the time you spend each day in activities that you KNOW encourage mindlessness. Now list the things you do on a regular basis that help you be more present, more focused and more attentive in your life. How's the balance?

What is one thing you can do to shift the balance one small centimeter towards more mindfulness? Pick one thing that you could add or eliminate that would help you be more present in your life.

Melissa

PS: I just added a new link where I can post books I love and recommend. Mindless Eating is there and I'll keep adding to it. I'd love to hear your suggestions too.

Ending Emotional Eating: How to Begin

A first blog post is like a first step in any new direction.The decision to take the step often feels like a much bigger deal than the actual step itself.

And yet, if we get caught up in making sure that very first step is absolutely perfect--obsessing about every little detail and nuance--we may find ourselves frozen and not moving forward at all. Stuck before we've even begun.

As I sat here wondering about how to begin this blog, I realized that the paralysis I was feeling is similar to what we may feel when we contemplate the idea of changing our relationship with food, with our bodies, with dieting and eating and weight.

If we let ourselves think too far ahead, the goal can quickly seem so big and overwhelming that we feel afraid--or don't know where--to start. And yet, it's in starting that change begins--just like it's in writing that I begin to see this blog unfold.

Our steps don't need to be perfect, they just need to be steps.

Steps are the most powerful actions we can take.

So away we go . . .

Take care,

Melissa